Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
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Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Can. I. Help. You.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.