Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
When you try jalapeños for the first time
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
umm…
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
(yawn)
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄