Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
You Might Also Like
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I have never related to a cat more
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?