God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.