*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
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if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
my professor scared me for a second
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Oh yeah that’s it
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”