HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
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I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Effort made
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.