“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.