You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
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One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Autocorrect completely socks
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Yup
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami