“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
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Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?