The Weeknd is back
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How wrong was this guy?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I did not eat the cake…
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.