[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Herpes is trending, good job people
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom