Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
*lint rolls you awake*
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again