DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Jupiter
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!