I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
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First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.