I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.