You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
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-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?