Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
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My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Strangers have the best candy.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.