was Jim off killing horses or…
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“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Need WebMD
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.