Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.