Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.