It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Holy shit he’s back
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
The two types of wives
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head