Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
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Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro