4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
You Might Also Like
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.