*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.