15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
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*Seductively hides in the woods
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.