Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
when mom throws a party…
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.