Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
This is a true ally.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.