Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.