ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible