“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
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Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Gemma Correll
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.