Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
broke down and did it
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
the council will decide your fate