showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me trying to “trust the process”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.