love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
going to the ER y’all need anything
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.