what kind of cook setting is this??
You Might Also Like
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My purse is deeper than some people.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.