Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.