Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
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*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…