Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
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It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this