*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Cause of death: Zumba
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I hope it’s French Onion!
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”