[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
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The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I needed a laugh this morning.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
how much for the angry fruit?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.