Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.