My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
bury ourselves
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.