My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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Mike Tyson’s apartment building
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
i dont have time for this
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.