According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.