Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Attacked by a mop.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Does beer think about me too?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it