Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
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Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE