Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Does beer think about me too?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.