I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
More like Kate Missington.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Bootstraps
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.