Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
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Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off