I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.