I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
@funTweeters
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
i can’t wait that long
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.